In marriage, couples must learn to make their motives and methods transmit their desired messages to each other.
I discovered that many times motives are pure, sincere and good, but the method of translating that motive into a message can go awry and cause the receiver to misunderstand the message and most importantly the motive.
At this point I think an example of what I am trying to communicate is important;
Message – “Why are you always shying away from being with me?”
Motive – U want to spend more time with you.
Received – Accusation
This method of transmission can cause a fight, your spouse may rise up in defence because he/she thinks you are accusing him/her of not wanting to spend some time with you. No body likes to be accused like that, there are better ways of turning your motives into receivable communication.
If you want your spouse to spend more time with you, instead of attacking your spouse in the manner described above, it would be best to spell it out directly with love. You can simply say to your spouse,
“I would really want you to spend more time with me.” Or “Please can you just stay with me a little more?”
Make your motives and methods match, by communicating clearly, with the right tones, body language and all…
How About Actions?
How many times have you done something and got surprised at the reaction of your spouse? My husband and I have had times when we had to explain to each other the reason we did what we did; no offence meant.
Some of those times we argued, raised our voices, kept straight faces…
Many times you find that even when motives are right, if methods are wrong, the outcome is unpleasant.
It Requires Effort.
My husband always tells me that it is wrong for couples to be cautious with each other, he says they should be free knowing that no matter what they say or do to each other, there is no deliberate intention to hurt each other… unless they have been taken over by the enemy.
While I concur, I also believe it is important that we make deliberate efforts to ensure that our right motives are not miscommunicated to our spouses. Our words and actions should be bathed in love and peace so that our spouses would “see” that it all stems from love and care.
I do not mean relating with our spouses like we are treading on eggs, I mean simply taking time to ensure on our parts, that they feel our heartbeat all the time. That our methods always compliment our motives, since no one can see your motives, only your words and actions are open to your spouse’s view.
So all of you should live together in peace. Try to understand each other. Love each other like brothers and sisters. Be kind and humble. 1 Peter 3:8 (ERV)
Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31
The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. 1 Timothy 1:5 (ESV)
Copyright© Teshuva 2015
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