24 Feb The Blame Game.
I feel so honoured that Beth (a sweet bloggy friend/mentor) asked me to share on marriage at her blog MESSY MARRIAGE. Beth is someone I respect a lot, if you read her articles you would understand why. Today I shared about The Unplugged Spouse on her blog and I would be glad if you could also go over to her blog and read all about it.
One thing that could cause a couple to unplug is when they have too much Blame Games going on…
“You shouldn’t have said that to me”
“Is that why you used such horrible words on me?”
“But what you did was so unfair, if you had not done that, I wouldn’t have said anything.”
“What choice did I have, when you would not do what you are supposed to do?”
“Oh! So now it’s my fault, why won’t you just take responsibility for once, must you blame me for everything?
Have you ever heard these lines before, or maybe you and your spouse have even played (or is playing) it out?
Many times husbands and wives blame each other for everything in their marriage; it is the easiest thing to do. Naturally we want to escape blame for anything, we tend to see the other person as wrong while we are right, and this is so in-congruent with the quest for peace in our homes.
Never Our Fault.
We blame each other for the things we say or do. If we yell or raise our voices it is the other person’s fault. It is not our fault when we are rude, or insensitive or uncaring or unloving. When we use the wrong words we blame it on the other person for instigating it, as if he or she put the words in our hearts or mouths…
Accept Your Fault.
This blame game is a great fuel for strife and disharmony in any marriage. Both spouses cannot be right at all times, and it is not foolishness to accept your fault no matter what it is. Instead of looking in so deep to dig out how wrong the other person is, take the blame, ask for forgiveness and move on. The blame game can kill a marriage even while the couple is still living together.
It can drain joy, laughter and vigour from the couple and lead to situations they most likely never imagined… the consequences can be very dire.
We Should Learn.
The first ever couple made this same mistake and we ought to have learnt from them; it is better to learn from other people’s mistakes than to fall into the same errors when we have the choice to escape them.
When God asked Adam if he had eaten the forbidden fruit, instead of saying a simple yes and asking for forgiveness, he started the blame game.
And then Eve followed his cue, maybe if Adam had thrown himself on his face and asked for mercy Eve would have too, just saying…I am not making any excuse for her, she is solely responsible for her actions.
But you can imagine if they had accepted their faults, gone on their faces and pled for mercy, certainly God would not have turned them down.
The same thing applies in our marriages today, if every husband and every wife accept it when they make their mistakes, after all we all make mistakes; and apologize without trying to find the other person’s fault or make excuses for faults, our marriages would experience a lot more joy and peace.
Pride is the reason we refuse to accept our faults. Click To Tweet
Pride has never done any one any good; it is a destroyer and a great one at that.
Don’t Give Up.
If you find yourself always apologizing to your spouse, it is most likely that you are going to want to refuse to someday; you would want to say “no more!” I cannot be apologizing all the time even when it is not my fault only, or not even at all.
But remember that Jesus went to the cross for no fault of His, He had no part at all for our sins yet He went all the way to the cross to die that gruesome death, so we can have peace with the Father.
So like Jesus whom we claim to follow, we shouldn’t get tired or too proud to apologize to our spouses when we are wrong or even when we think we are not. We should apologize for peace sake, husband and wife.
…Why do ye not rather take wrong? why do ye not rather suffer yourselves to be defrauded?
1 Corinthians 6:7
Peace is very essential if we must enjoy our marriages and blaming one another does not make for peace at all.
If each couple will decide not to look for each other’s fault in everything but rather seek peace and accept their own part in the mess, it would really take out a lot of strain from our marriages and give us joy!
Or what do you think?
Copyright© Ugochi Oritsejolomisan 2015 (Update)
Sharing With: Wedded Wednesday
OlandoPosted at 15:52h, 25 February
You have said it all Teshuva. But what if my partner is totally wrong and don’t want to apologize ?
This is going on right now in my marriage . Need your advise can you inbox me ? Olandobz@gmail.com Thanks in advance n I’m posted
Ugochi JolomiPosted at 11:42h, 27 February
Hmnnnn… Have you tried making her see what she did wrong?
BethPosted at 20:11h, 25 February
I wholeheartedly agree, Ugochi! It’s been a real pleasure to have you featured over at Messy Marriage today. I’m glad that you are fleshing out a bit more of what you’ve said over there. Sometimes it’s hard to understand just how to take responsibility in our lives and you’ve spelled it out so well here, my friend. I agree about being humble and apologetic for sure! I think that those who feel they are always apologizing or being the one in the relationship to take responsibility need to also set healthy boundaries in the right way. Maybe that’s where you’re headed in your follow up to this and other posts, but that’s what I would say is the next step to deal with that last problem you posed. Thanks for sharing on tough topics like this, my friend!
Ugochi JolomiPosted at 11:43h, 27 February
Thanks Beth, I am always blessed by your words on Teshuva.