When Your Spouse Refuses Sex
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When Your Spouse Refuses Sex

A well made bed in a dimly lit bedroom

When Your Spouse Refuses Sex

Sex is a very important topic to humanity because it affects everyone. In marriage, sex is all so important because it is a gift given to man and his wife for their pleasure and in order to co-create with God, a gift that if neglected and under utilized can stunt the growth of any marital relationship, it has destroyed so many homes too.
Many times in counselling married people, one common thread that runs in marital problems is that of husband or wife denying the other sex or losing interest in sex with his/her spouse.

I have seen men deny their wives and I have also seen women deny their husbands. The reason a husband or wife would deny their spouse sex could be anything, it is however important for you to ask and use any communication mode that will work best for you to find out why and deal with it in order to move on in your sexual lives. If it is not intentionally and adequately handled it will become a crack in the wall that could result to a collapse in relationship.
I will attempt in this article from my encounters with several couples and from my own experience too, to discuss some of the reasons why I some husbands and some wives often refuse to give in to sex, deny their spouses sex or lack interest in sex. As always when I make lists, I recognize that it may not be exhaustive; so many other things could be involved. Also, I decided to post in two parts, as I discovered it would be too lengthy a read. Let me begin…

1. Anger
Many times when your spouse refuses to yield to your sex overtures he or she is angry about something,; arguments, hurtful words, lies… While God has commanded that we never refuse our spouses sex, anger has played a major role in sexual problems in marriage.

-If you are the angry one, let your spouse know you are angry about something and work hard to forgive and let it go.
-If you make your desire to have sex with your spouse and get refused, you should lovingly find out why and get it resolved instead of joining in the anger.

2. Distrust
This could be a result of several things ranging from suspicion of infidelity, past infidelity to feelings of being unloved and disrespected.

-Suspicion should not be allowed, it is a great destroyer in any relationship. I wrote about it HERE. Couples should always learn to give themselves benefits of doubt unless otherwise proven.
-If there was infidelity in the past it should be forgiven and let go, especially if it has been discussed and settled.
-If the husband or wife is struggling with sexual sins, he or she should own up to it and seek help.
-If for any reason you feel unloved or disrespected, you should communicate to your spouse, and if your spouse communicates to you then you should do all you know and learn some more how to ensure your spouse is secure in your love.
-Sometimes feelings of being unloved might be as a result of past issues one did not deal with before getting married, so husbands and wives must change their perspectives via the word of God instead of allowing their pasts to rule and ruin their marriages.

You will all agree with me that tiredness is a major cause of denial of sex by couples.
Though most men no matter how tired they are can have sex, I have heard and talked with some mane who get too tired for sex.
I remember a woman once told me that immediately her husband gets home from work, he barely manages to get through dinner and he is off in bed, snoring hard. When she as much as touches him he grunts about how she should understand he has had a long day.
Most women get so tired from house chores after their out-of-home jobs for those who are not full time working moms. I believe mothers who work from home are very guilty especially those who do not know when to stop, there hands are often full and because they are home they see all that needs to be done and literally want to finish them all at once. Then they are beat by the time their husbands get home and want them.

-First off, I would like to suggest that when you are very tired and your spouse wants you, TAKING A COLD SHOWER will invigorate you, try it!
-It is very important to be conscious that your spouse could desire you at any time and save him or her some of your energy. Most things work better if they are planned for intentionally.
-Communication can help a lot, like texting, phone calls and little hints here and there to let your spouse know that “something” will be “going down.” This helps your spouse to know and save himself or herself some energy for you. My husband is especially good at this. *wink*

The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. 1 Corinthians 7:3 (MSG)

I will be bringing the concluding part next Monday.

Sex in marriage is a very important topic, I know you would agree. Please share your thoughts on what you have read so far, is there some changes you might want to make or solutions you might want to add.

Copyright© Ugochi Oritsejolomisan 2014

Photo Credit: Wallpapers


Ugochi Oritsejolomisan

Ugochi Oritsejolomisan is a mentor, encourager and influencer. She writes to inspire you to live a full life. Ugochi lives in Canada with her husband Benson and their children; Joshua, Joseph and Josiah.

  • Deji
    Posted at 13:46h, 11 November

    If a wife deliberately does not let her husband know her peak period so that she could get pregnant, what do you call that?

    • Ugochi Oritsejolomisan
      Posted at 10:34h, 16 November

      Hi Deji,
      I am sorry I am only responding now, please pardon me. That is not right, (in my opinion). Conception and child bearing should be agreed upon by husband and wife. You need to dialogue with her so both of you can come to an agreement. That way nothing is kept secret.
      Have as super blessed day!

  • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser
    Posted at 06:08h, 03 February

    I’m coming to the conversation a bit late…like, almost a year…but here goes.

    Another reason is criticism specific to sexual performance or technique. This can be done gently, but if it’s delivered bluntly , from a position of ‘superiority’, it’s the kiss of death.

    One won’t want to even try. Think of cooking – if your spouse told you that you were a lousy cook, would you ever want to cook for him or her again, knowing even though your skills were developing…you’d STILL be judged.

    Not me!

    • Ugochi Jolomi
      Posted at 09:43h, 03 February

      I was nodding my head as I read this. Especially the cooking analogy, criticism could be the reason for refusal. Thanks Andrew, for throwing some more light on this.

  • Justin M. Davito
    Posted at 14:44h, 26 March

    Awesome! A friend and I were talking about how important it is to serve your spouse. Not just in the bedroom but in all areas of life.

    If we are serving our spouses like Jesus served the Church, then it will be a no brainer to serve them in the bedroom.


    • Ugochi Jolomi
      Posted at 16:45h, 26 March

      Very true! Hmnnn… it starts with a servant-heartitude.

  • Susie (The Esthetic Goddess)
    Posted at 20:58h, 15 February

    This is a fabulously honest post. I love it! Sex and communication are so important to a marriage. When they start to crumble the marriage follows.

    • Ugochi Jolomi
      Posted at 14:26h, 16 February

      Oh yes Susie! Thanks for coming by and leaving this encouragement, do have a super blessed week ahead!

  • Joe Pote
    Posted at 19:13h, 12 February

    Love your straightforward handling of such a sensitive subject!

    Thank you, Ugochi!

    • Ugochi Jolomi
      Posted at 23:26h, 12 February

      My heart raced as I typed but I knew it had to let this out. Thanks a lot for coming by and leaving your thought.
      Have a super blessed day!

  • Beth
    Posted at 15:46h, 12 February

    What a great and often neglected topic in the blogosphere, Ugochi. I’m glad you put “anger” at the top of this list, because I think that’s one of the worst offenders. It’s hard to feel sexually attracted to someone you are irritated with or bitter towards. I know, I’ve been there and it wasn’t until I forgave my husband and got rid of the negative ruminations that I felt my desire for my hubby returning. Thanks for linking this and sharing your wisdom, my sweet friend!

    • Ugochi Jolomi
      Posted at 16:43h, 12 February

      That’s me too Beth, I could never feel desire for my husband in anger and irritation. Forgiveness does a whole lot more to make our marital and sexual lives what God has created them to be. It is my pleasure to always link up Beth. Thanks for your encouragement, do have a super blessed day!

  • Sykik
    Posted at 22:37h, 11 February

    Very educative..thanks for sharing

    • Ugochi Jolomi
      Posted at 07:48h, 12 February

      Praise God! I am glad you find it so. Have a super blessed day!