I Should Have Said No - Ugochi Oritsejolomisan
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I Should Have Said No

life, teshuva, parenting, lifestyle

I Should Have Said No

Recently in flight with my family I had one of those moments where I wanted to be a “good” mummy. We had settled in had the first meal and then after a while the flight attendants began their many rounds of “would you want some of this?”  and “would you want some of that?”
One of my boys, the one that sat right next to me kept drinking a soda or juice each time they came round and I was going to stop him but on second thought I allowed him to keep asking and keep drinking.

You see my boys have tagged me a “no-no machine” meaning that I mostly said no to everything they asked. But their dad mostly said yes and they preferred his company to mine. They said this right to my face and they told family friends who told me of their their Perceptions. So I wanted to be in their good books and make them “like” me, I felt this was an opportunity.
Any way, I dozed off and opened my eyes few hours later to find my son on his knees, squeezing his stomach with both hands as he writhed in pain. I looked over at my husband with a questioning look and he told me his stomach was upset and he needed to go use the toilet, but all toilets were occupied.
Fortunately the lady seated before me hinted that the toilet in the cabin ahead of us was free and I walked him there quickly and returned to my seat when he went in. A minute or two later I was prompted to go check on him and was amazed at what I saw. He had just got off the toilet seat and had not flushed before I got in, the deposit I saw in the toilet was huge and foul smelling too. I do not remember seeing that size or texture of poop from this particular son of mine, ever. No wonder he appeared to be in so much pain I thought.
His hands were still on his stomach as we walked back to our seat, and immediately he sat he was going to throw up, I quickly opened and handed him the paper bag provided in the back pocket of the seat before us as he did his business. I was grateful as one of the hostesses gave me a bigger nylon bag because I had started thinking the vomit might soak through the paper bag.
At this time I told my husband I felt bad I didn’t stop him from having those sweet drinks at odd times of the night, his system was not used to it and I knew I should have stopped him. I told my husband I didn’t want him to think “there she goes again.”

I was wrong, saying no would have been the right thing to do and I would have spared him the agony he had gone through. I should have done the right thing without bothering my head about what he would think. There are so many ways to let him know that I love him without letting him have his way, especially when he is exposed to possible danger.
I told my son that this was one example of when my nos would have been a blessing and why he needs to trust my judgment knowing I know many things better than he does.
I resolved that day that while I would try not to say no to everything, I would say no when I needed to, I would discern the “thing” the situation and the possible dangers, and rest mostly on God in me to decide what I allow or disallow my children.
I will not fail to teach them discipline, to let them know they cannot always have what they want, when the want and how they want it.
Hopefully they would get to understand and appreciate it as they grow older and know that it was actually love that made me say no.
You know denying children some things, even good things will discipline them and strengthen them for their future. No matter how hard they cry or whine or even loathe, parents must stand their grounds and teach them discipline so that they can grow up responsible adults who have learnt the discipline of desire control.

Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives. Proverbs 19:18 NLT

…a child left undisciplined brings his mother to shame. Proverbs 29:15 AMP

Withhold not discipline from the child… Proverbs 23:13 AMP

Do you indulge your children, do you teach them discipline?

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Ugochi Oritsejolomisan

Ugochi Oritsejolomisan is a mentor, encourager and influencer. She writes to inspire you to live a full life. Ugochi lives in Canada with her husband Benson and their children; Joshua, Joseph and Josiah.

  • Mothering From Scratch
    Posted at 16:02h, 26 August

    {Melinda} Oh, I can relate to this post! I have to fight my people-pleasing tendencies with my kids all the time. Many times I have said “yes” when I should’ve said “no” and gotten burned — and worse, yet, my kids got burned. I try to remember those times when I feel like giving in because the battle is too hard.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 14:35h, 11 September

      Yes Melinda, the battle can get very hard sometimes but God is our source of strength, we just have to keep depending on Him.

  • unyime-ivy king
    Posted at 01:25h, 19 August

    Fortunately, even though our children may think us killjoys because of all the ‘nos’ they hear from us, it subconsciously reassures them that we care enough to enforce boundaries. Like you wrote, they will appreciate you when they are older, like I now appreciate my mum for all the ways she said ‘no’ to me and my siblings.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 13:50h, 20 August

      Same here, it took marriage for me to understand and appreciate my mum. I trust God they will see love in my actions.

  • Carla from ShesAllWrite.com
    Posted at 19:45h, 28 July

    I don’t say ‘no’ to everything, but there are three things that are non-negotiable with me: Performance in school; kindness to others and responsible; respectful and safe behavior. I freely hand out ‘nos’ in these three arenas, because I think they are the three paths that lead to a happy, healthy adult.

    Everything else is arbitrary, so I let my kids make their own decisions. It helps them feel empowered and individualized, and lets them know when I do say no, I really mean business. 🙂

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 16:23h, 29 July

      Great perception and approach too. Thanks a lot Carla, I appreciate your coming by and leaving this note. Do have a super blessed day!

  • Esther Onimisi
    Posted at 22:50h, 27 July

    Thanks for this post ma. Please note that our ‘no’/’nos’ is born out of a mother’s intuition and it compliments Dad’s yes. We are not joy killers or fun killers like our children think. But I guess that they will understand as they get older and have children of their own. Have a great Sunday ma.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 22:56h, 27 July

      I understand ma, I just wanted to give the young man some space from “No” but I was wrong. I should have followed my instincts. Thanks a lot, you too ma!

  • Heather
    Posted at 17:03h, 27 July

    This was such a great post to read. I’m a military mom who always found that discipline and boundaries are actually reassuring for my kids. Being consistent, clear and loving really helped them to know that they are cherished and loved but that there are some behaviors that are not ok. My kids are older now, but reading your post was a nice reminder of that time and those values.
    ~ Heather @ exaltedpeacock.com

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 23:00h, 27 July

      I believe my children will understand better as they grow older.

  • Howard Odigie
    Posted at 15:10h, 27 July

    This is one of the very best posts. I am thoroughly blessed and educated. As I have said too often, it is ALWAYS a blessing visiting Teshuva. Though Emperor Hadrian said “To be right too soon, is to be wrong”, your “nice mum” action in this piece is a case of not acting as and when necessary. It is a lesson learnt for all concerned, you, the boy and your readers like me. Thank God it did not get worse than it turned out.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 23:02h, 27 July

      Very true bro! I must follow my instincts always as I make sure love is my motive and thus expressed. Thanks for your compliments and encouragements.

  • Rhonda Clark
    Posted at 16:22h, 26 July

    You are a good mother. We often have to be the bad guy and it’s not fun. Make fun memories another way. My grown son remember taking baby sister to Mother’s Day Out and then going to a movie. I think he misses those regular one on one times when he had my undivided attention. I do still suggest them as often as I can, but they don’t usually fit into his schedule, but he knows I’m available. He’ll often seek me out when he comes in at night when I’m in bed winding down. It’s sort of an inconvenience, but he’s coming to me and needs me, so I listen.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 16:36h, 26 July

      I agree, we always look like the bad guys. I would certainly look for other ways to make fun memories with them. Thanks a lot for coming by and leaving your encouragement Chonda, not long from now I will see evidences of them knowing how much I love them.
      Have a super blessed day!

  • Antionette Blake
    Posted at 21:32h, 25 July

    Wow, how I don’t miss those days but sometimes a hard lesson learned is the best lesson learned! Good luck!

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 03:25h, 26 July

      Happy you’ve left this stage, I pray he has learnt from this. But I always feel we should teach our children to learn from instructions rather than experience, because experience can be cruel in teaching. I will insist on No when I have to. Thanks for coming by, do have a great night!

  • Richard
    Posted at 13:06h, 25 July

    Hello dear mama I thank God for your life and that of your lovely family and again for using you to touch many lives in our generation,I try to read your episode on daily basis and I am glad to have people like you to learn from.
    Thanks for the good work that you are doing God bless you richly.
    My regards to Daddy.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 13:40h, 25 July

      We give God all the praise, I am so blessed to know that you are being blessed by Teshuva. Thanks a lot for coming by and leaving this note, it is very encouraging.
      Please share the blog with your friends too.
      God bless you my brother, do have a super blessed day!