Time After Time
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When We Want Our Spouse To Change

It can be frustrating trying to talk your spouse into changing some things about him/herself and you do not seem to see any changes at all. Since the inception of our marriage close to thirteen years now, I have tried to nag talk my husband into talking like me, softly and with some amount of diplomacy but it proved abortive.
See, my husband mostly talks straight up and blunt, he does not like going round in circles, he just tells you the truth as it is. While this is not wrong, I do believe that with some people, especially sensitive people (like me), there should be some sensitivity so that they can accept the truth he tells them without misunderstanding him. But just yesterday to my sheer delight, I saw and heard him talking about diplomacy in speech and in dealing with people.

Our spouses cannot be like us in so many ways. Click To Tweet

Variety, they say, is a spice of life and God is a God of variety, He knows how to put the right people in the mix and create beauty out of our differences, that is, if we let Him.
Most times in marriage we all seem to want our spouses to behave in a certain way, probably think like us, react like us, talk like us, sit like us, sleep like us…

It hardly happens any way and if we are insistent, and keep talking and nagging and getting upset it will lead to frustration and a total lack of joy in the home.
I have told my husband like he too has told me often how he has told me to change a particular thing time and time again and yet…

We Can Be The Change

I know there are some things our spouses do that are not right and we (And God) would really love for them to stop doing those things.
Take me for instance, I really desired for my husband to be at least a bit soft-spoken, a bit more diplomatic in his speeches and a bit tenderer with people, but nagging at him has never yielded any result. But rather as I took it to God in prayer and stopped complaining, I have seen God nudge and prompt him into realizing the need for change and he is striving.
So, instead of telling our spouses time after time about their faults and the need for change, we should rather change our reactions to those faults and take our desires for our spouse to God in prayer. He is the one who created them and knows how best to cause a change in them, but note that God wants us to love them even with their faults otherwise we will not get God’s attention in our prayers for our spouses.

Whenever you are tempted to nag tell your spouse how you have said something time after time, switch your heart to how even you have not completely made changes in the areas God has demanded for you to, and how you also have not made the changes your spouse have required from you. When you do this, the urge to complain or nag will die.

I am working seriously on not having to tell my husband “But I have told you about this time after time!” It has never done our marriage or me any good. So I am rather putting more energy into growing in love and trusting God to do in him what only Him can do.

How about you, are you working on avoiding using the phrase “Time After Time” in this regard?
Are you praying more and nagging talking less?

Copyright© Ugochi Oritsejolomisan 2013




Ugochi Oritsejolomisan

Ugochi Oritsejolomisan is a mentor, encourager and influencer. She writes to inspire you to live a full life. Ugochi lives in Canada with her husband Benson and their children; Joshua, Joseph and Josiah.

  • Esther Onimisi
    Posted at 18:18h, 17 December

    Thanks mummy. For me I cannot argue with my husband. I just do not have the strength for that anymore. I just thank God. Thank him for whatever he has done and drop it there and then. That way my prayer life is not hindered. When I am angry I cannot pray. So I guide my prayer life which I am hoping will grow bigger In Jesus Name. Amen.

    • Ugochi Jolomi
      Posted at 14:19h, 18 December

      Amen! Same here too! I am working very hard on this, because I want so much to maintain my relationship with God and keep it in the very top shape.

  • Lahyorz
    Posted at 15:17h, 10 March

    I made a tough decision regarding my husband, so ‘difficult’ for me that I need to continually pray about it! I have decided to love my husband – no matter what! As soon as I told God about it, you can imagine what happened next. Everything he did in the following hours challenged that prayer!!! I simply bit my tongue and thanked God for the grace I receive to honour my promise. I believe that my decision gives God something to work on and I CAN do this through Christ… The devil is against our marriages and we must apply godly wisdom to counteract his tricks and plans against God’s promises for us. Look at your husband and see him the way God sees him – beyond the flesh!

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 13:42h, 12 March

      I tell you, when we focus on God and being our best, doing our parts, it gives God good reasons to step in. Thanks for sharing your testimony friend, do have a super blessed day!

  • ebiichyke
    Posted at 09:54h, 01 March

    I have had to use that phrase ‘you do this all the time’ and get really amazed when my husband starts reminding me of times when he didnt do what i was referring to.But in our annoyance we tend to exagerate things and it helps no one. so now even when its so glaring, i try not to say those words.Our spouses are human and sometimes genuinely ‘forget’to do what we expect just as there are a lot of things they expect that we havent come round to doing.I agree its rather better to concentrate on growing in love and trusting the lord to do the rest.Thanks a lot

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 09:20h, 02 March

      Amen Sister! Growing in love certainly does make the faults of our spouse irrelevant and the power of God’s love working in and through us can cause a change in them.
      Thanks for coming by, do have a super blessed day!

  • Tina Dennis
    Posted at 12:41h, 27 February

    Thanks for this post Ugochi… i’ve really learnt alot.

    God bless.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 09:17h, 02 March

      Amen Tina!
      So glad to hear this, have a super blessed day!

  • Blond Duck
    Posted at 13:24h, 27 February

    I’m amazed at how different men and women are! It’s truly divine intervention the way love works!

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 09:18h, 02 March

      Yes it is my friend. Thanks for coming and have a super blessed day!

  • Meredith @ The Laundry Can Wait
    Posted at 05:40h, 26 February

    God’s been working on my heart with this very message. Whenever I start to get frustrated that my husband’s not doing things on my time table, etc., the Lord softly reminds me that He didn’t make my husband to function exactly like me…and that’s okay.

    Love your thoughtful posts, dear friend.


    • Ugochi
      Posted at 09:17h, 02 March

      I like how God chastises us all because he loves us and wants our best.
      Thanks for coming by Meredith, have a super blessed day!

  • Kathleen Caron
    Posted at 00:22h, 26 February

    I like this so much, a dear friend was telling me that she was complaining about her husband to her brother, who is a psychiatrist and a Christian. He wisely advised her to stop criticizing her husband, and instead intervene on his behalf in prayer. To see our marriages in God’s hands like that is so empowering. bless you sister!

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 09:15h, 02 March

      Yes Kathleen, intercession for our spouses will do better for them and us than nagging and complaining, if anything, it puts strain in our marriages.
      Thanks for coming by and have a super blessed day!

  • Olaedo
    Posted at 19:54h, 25 February

    Thanks a lot for this.
    I loved, especially, this sentence: “So I am rather putting more energy into growing in love and trusting God to do in him what only Him can do.”
    Note to self 🙂

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 09:11h, 02 March

      Amen Ola! Thanks a lot for coming by, have a super blessed day!

  • faithlovejoyhope
    Posted at 20:19h, 25 February

    Ugochi, this post really touches me because I have the same issue with my hubby. He was in a very bad car wreck many years ago (way before we ever met) and had to have a trach for awhile. This damaged his vocal chords so that his voice is low and very gruff. So for him to raise his voice to me sounds like he is yelling, and that just hurts me no end.

    Like you, I tried and tried to explain to him how he needed to be more aware of how he talks to me when he is angry, but it never seemed to do any good. So, also like you, I took the matter to the Lord, and it took a little bit of time but these days he sincerely works at tempering his voice when we’re in a “discussion,” and if he raises his voice too much, he can tell that it hurts me and he asks me to forgive him — most of the time. Of course, we are CIPs (Christians in Progress), so we’ll never be perfect this side of heaven. Still, he IS trying, and for that I’m grateful!

    Thank you once again for sharing your heart with us!


    • Ugochi
      Posted at 09:12h, 02 March

      Yes Anna, it is more about trying and making progress everyday than perfection.
      Thanks for coming by and I trust that God will strengthen your husband.