SPEAKING YOUR MIND - Ugochi Oritsejolomisan
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speaking your mind in marriage


Emotions rising, words flying, body movements on the increase, room heat, nerves crackling, eyes bulging, word battles… Can you picture this?

This is what often happens when couples want to “speak their minds”. There is absolutely nothing wrong with speaking or bearing one’s mind in a relationship. But most times couples fail to think through on their words and body languages before they speak, and they end up hurting each other with their words.  Words can be very destructive, looks, body languages and tones also determine how the words spoken would be perceived and received.

Several times what would have been a normal healthy conversation gets out of line and becomes a major battle of words because the husband or wife thinks he or she must be heard and forgetting to think it through says a few words that heats up the atmosphere and the whole conversation gets messed up. The room or house is heated and a scuffle leaves wounds and many times scars in the marriage.
I hear husbands and wives say that they must speak their minds; they insist on having the last word on any discussion, they refuse to consider how what they say might affect their spouses; they just want to satisfy themselves and “speak their minds.”
But if couples would take the time to think their words through before speaking, or maybe keep silent instead of speaking harsh words to each other, I believe it would save them very avoidable fracas they have to deal with most of the times.
It takes discipline and practice to control emotions; otherwise it would not be possible to hold-out when the urge to “speak your mind” comes.  I believe it all begins from our thoughts, if we can think the right thoughts, loving considerate thoughts, about our spouses and situations; we will act and react positively to our spouses.
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
So before you think anything, or say anything to your spouse, the words must pass through the Philippians 4:8 test. If it does not bear those qualities, then have a rethink, adjust or drop it completely.
But this can be very difficult since we are naturally given to emotions and mostly negative ones at that. Fortunately we are not helpless; with the word of God and the Holy Spirit we can put our emotions under control and do the right things, especially if we REALLY want to. If we allow The Holy Spirit to lead us, we will not fall for our emotions all the time.
Galatians 5:16 (CEV)
If you are guided by the Spirit, you won’t obey your selfish desires.
Like I said earlier, if you and your spouse are determined, and choose to depend and follow the leading of The Holy Spirit, you will not speak words that are hurtful to your spouse, you will think over you words and you will “speak your mind” without hurting your spouse’s heart.
Like you, I have spoken harsh words to my spouse in a bid to make my point, but I am learning and I believe I am growing by the help of The Holy Spirit, I am thinking a lot more before I speak.
How about you, are you working on this area of your life too?
Ugochi Oritsejolomisan

Ugochi Oritsejolomisan is a mentor, encourager and influencer. She writes to inspire you to live a full life. Ugochi lives in Canada with her husband Benson and their children; Joshua, Joseph and Josiah.

  • Enobong Etteh
    Posted at 06:55h, 08 January

    It’s interesting to take a second look at Formula P4:8 again. In doing this, I observed that the last two tests are distinct from the first six tests. The Twin Pillars of Virtue and Praise worthiness are what I call the Second Degree Test or Refiner’s fire through which the first six tests (which I otherwise call the “First Degree Test”) must be subjected. What am simply saying is that it is not sufficient that the word you want to shoot out is true or honest, just or pure, lovely or of good report (First Degree Test), you must go further to screen it by asking: yes it is true and you are even honest about it but if I release the word, will there be any virtue in it or will it be praise worthy? Here lies the wisdom in relying on the Holy Spirit to sanctify our tongues to speak only salted words embellished with grace. Such words don’t hurt but rather edify or provoke godly sorrow.

    Mama J, thank you for captivating my attention by this post. Lovely. A great Online ministry is born – TESHUVA.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 17:50h, 30 March

      Thanks a lot sir!
      I really appreciate your coming by and leaving this encouragement.
      Please forgive my late response.
      Have a super blessed day!

  • Mothering From Scratch
    Posted at 22:55h, 30 November

    {Melinda} Love this! So incredibly true. I am doing an amazing Bible study on marriage right now called “Enhancing Your Marriage” by Judy Rossi. It is one of the best studies I’ve ever done. Covers so much about submitting our need to be “right.” Would highly recommend for any wife. 🙂

    Thanks so much for stopping by on our SITS Day! Following you now!

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 16:01h, 01 December

      Thanks a lot for stopping by too. I’ll see if I can check out the book. Thanks for the recommendation. Have a super blessed day!

  • Unyime-Ivy King
    Posted at 22:51h, 28 November

    Great post. How we say something, is as important as what we say. May the Holy Spirit help us to discipline our tongue. Thanks for sharing.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 15:59h, 01 December

      Amen! Thanks a lot for coming by, have a super blessed weekend!

  • Irish Carter
    Posted at 00:25h, 28 November

    I can really relate to this post. It took quite sometime for my partner and I to learn to have disagreements in a way that didn’t end with us being resentful to each other. Now we both have learned to not bottle emotions and avoid each other. We have learned to speak our minds. = ) Just in a healthy way.

    Irish Carter
    “Promoting Passionate People”

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 17:51h, 30 March

      Truth Irish, bottled emotions do not come out nice in the end. Thanks a lot for coming by and leaving this note, do have a super blessed weekend!

  • Myne Whitman
    Posted at 20:02h, 27 November

    Very insightful post. Our communication is not meant to be combative, and it hurts even more in relationships.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 21:13h, 27 November

      Truth said! Thanks for stopping by and leaving this note, do have a super blessed day!

  • Sherelle
    Posted at 18:40h, 27 November

    I need to begin working on this. I don’t like being “out done” and that bad trait has caused me to hurt my honey in various disagreements. I plan on holding my tongue, and thinking about how my words will affect the people I love the most. I’m still growing, and this post made me think about some things I’ve said out of anger, and I want to change my ways.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 21:11h, 27 November

      Just I am working on me too!
      I pray God helps us walk through this and please His heart.
      Have a super blessed day!

  • sykik
    Posted at 17:25h, 27 November

    Thank you for the words of wisdom

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 21:10h, 27 November

      Amen! Thanks for stopping by!

  • Israel
    Posted at 13:50h, 27 November

    It certainly made a huge impression on me!
    One scripture that has also made a huge difference in this area is this one below:
    Colossians 4:6 (KJV)
    Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 21:07h, 27 November

      Amen! This scripture is so on point!
      Thanks for coming by and leaving this note, I hope you come by often Do have a super blessed day!

  • Chantal Meade
    Posted at 06:32h, 27 November

    Thanks for posting this. I see this mostly with my body language in my courting relationship. I have to change that to avoid little issues in marriage. Good stuff.



    • Ugochi
      Posted at 13:15h, 27 November

      Thanks Chantal, I am glad it made meaning to you. Do have a super blessed day!

  • Ibifiri Kamson
    Posted at 02:05h, 27 November

    Another thing is the way we say it. Usually when we speak out minds we usually do that in anger of during a fight. Like if u want to talk about someone’s bad breath don’t just say it sarcastically say it with. I like to be very frank especially in marriage but I am very subtle about it, and it works. http://Www.secretlilies.blogspot.com

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 13:14h, 27 November

      Great IB! Frank and subtle is the way. Have a super blessed day!

  • Becca Acker
    Posted at 01:07h, 27 November

    I totally agree that it begins with our thoughts! I realize the more I pray for God to change me in an area, the more convicted I become. How wonderful that He has given us the Holy Spirit to prod us in that way!
    Thanks so much for always offering such encouragement. 🙂

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 13:13h, 27 November

      Oh yes! That happens to me too! He chastises us because He loves us…
      Have a super blessed day Becca!

  • Beth
    Posted at 22:47h, 26 November

    Being sensitive to what the Holy Spirit wants to say to us can turn those heated moments into healing moments. I’ve done this–spoken my mind in anger–and it rarely, if ever, brings about the result I want for myself or my marriage. Wise words, Ugochi. Thanks for keeping us grounded in God’s Truth!

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 13:11h, 27 November

      Thanks a lot Beth, I really appreciate you. Do have a super blessed day!

  • Tygre Caley
    Posted at 22:21h, 26 November

    Very encouraging verses. My husband and I have definitely grown a lot in how we communicate. It’s a challenge to make EVERY word that comes out my mouth fruitful for sure. Thanks for sharing this 🙂

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 13:09h, 27 November

      Amen Tygre! Thanks for coming by and leaving this note, I hope you come by often, do have a super blessed day!

  • Eya
    Posted at 18:23h, 26 November

    Yes o, I am also thinking a lot more before I speak.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 13:06h, 27 November

      We all have to, it saves us a lot!!!
      Enjoy your day sis!

    • law Elizabeth
      Posted at 07:35h, 28 November

      Very interesting.it pays to listen to the Holy Spirit at all times. We are sometimes too busy to listen or hear what the Spirit of God is asking us to say and do. May the Lord help us to make good use of the person of the Holy Spirit because he is our helper, advocate, councellor and our standby