ME, SELFISH?! - Ugochi Oritsejolomisan
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“You are a very selfish man!” I blurted out.

I don’t remember if I flung the ring at him or just slammed it on the 
“I don’t want to marry you again!” I panted in anger as I walked out and slammed the door.

This was barely nine months into our marriage.
I had set the table with dinner and was taking a shower when my husband came in from work. He came into the bathroom and hurried his greetings to me. Next thing I heard
was opening of dishes and sounds of jangling cutlery. 

He was eating! And without me!

This is it; I am not going to live with this selfish man for the rest of my life! After all the energy I put in, after waiting since after lunch, almost 10pm now, he just walks in and starts eating without waiting for us to eat together.

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Couples ARE SUPPOSED to eat together aren’t they? I don’t ever remember seeing my Dad and Mum eat without each other except Papa was out of town. My mum got home every early afternoon and waited till sometimes late evening to eat with my Dad. It is supposed to be the same for us or isn’t it?

How come I fought the hunger and waited and he just didn’t care? He is just plain selfish, and I would not have any of it. So right there in the bathroom I rehearsed, and immediately I got into the bedroom and got dressed, I played the part.

He was stunned to silence.

After what seemed like several minutes, as I sat out in our little front porch, with mosquitoes and some cold air biting me, I heard the door open and my husband was begging me to come in so we could talk. I refused, vehement in my stubborn anger, I told him to “just leave me alone!”, and I said it as roughly as you can imagine.

It was already the beginning of the next day when I went in and met him sleeping snoring and I thought how very insensitive he must be. I was very angry to say the least.

Much later, when anger had died down a bit and I was calm enough to listen to him, I realized a few things I had not thought of:

  • It was his first meal for that day, while it would have been my third.
  • He didn’t think I would wait for him for that long, he also thought I wouldn’t mind since he had not had anything to eat all day.
  • He never saw his dad and mum eat together and since we get to eat together a whole lot of times a few exceptions shouldn’t be a big deal.
  • I should have told him exactly what I was angry about instead of stomping out of the house and leaving him clueless and confused as to what the matter was.
  • I should have waited to listen to him

How come I didn’t think of these things, how come I didn’t think that he must be very hungry since he had eaten nothing all day, how come I didn’t remember that I mustn’t pattern everything in my home after what went on in my parents’, how come I didn’t remember that he comes from a completely different background from mine and so would see some things differently? Was I the selfish one?

One morning as I read My Lord’s words in- 

Matthew 7:1-5

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

3 And beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye…

I realized that I was the hypocrite, wanting to have it my way without thinking of my husband. Judging and classifying him as selfish while I was indeed the selfish one. I was ashamed of myself that day as this incident flooded my mind. Oh how God teaches me!

I laughed at myself, in regrets at my foolishness.

And of course I asked God for mercy one more time and for Him to always help me remove the beam(big piece of wood) in my eye, so I can see well enough to remove the mote(saw dust) in my husband’s or any other person’s eye.

I dare not say I have succeeded all the time but God never ceases to remind me of those wonderful words, and how I work towards obedience.

Have you ever tried to take out “saw dust” from your spouse’s or any body’s eye when you are blinded by the “big piece of wood” in your own eye? Have you ever judged your spouse or someone else without first looking at and examining yourself and your motives?

Ugochi Oritsejolomisan

Ugochi Oritsejolomisan is a mentor, encourager and influencer. She writes to inspire you to live a full life. Ugochi lives in Canada with her husband Benson and their children; Joshua, Joseph and Josiah.

  • laughwithusblog
    Posted at 03:33h, 01 June

    Oh yes. I have so been there! I love how God’s Words speak to us showing us our sin just when we need it! Great post!

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 07:15h, 01 June

      Yes Esther, His love won’t let us fail. Thanks for visiting, grace and speed!

  • Beloved
    Posted at 02:34h, 27 May

    This reminds me of our first year; so much to discover, so much to learn. 19 years later, I am thankful for the gifts of perspective and patience, two of my reminders that God is good.
    May your marriage continue to be richly blessed.
    Peace and good.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 11:16h, 27 May

      Hmmnnnn, perspective and patience, two words to think on. Thanks a lot for visiting and leave comment, God bless!

  • Anitra
    Posted at 17:41h, 26 May

    Isn’t interesting how things change when we stop and think a bit? Too bad we usually talk first and think later! At least we get it at some point. Thanks for sharing so transparently. Stopping by from SITS.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 11:14h, 27 May

      We do need to stop and think a bit. If I had all the drama wouldn’t have ensued. Thanks for stopping by Anitra.
      God bless!

  • MrsTDJ
    Posted at 20:29h, 26 May

    I’m visiting from the SITS Sharefest. Great post! It’s so hard to see things from the perspective of our spouses. Kudos to you for acknowledging your actions and trying to see the motivation for his actions.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 11:15h, 27 May

      Thanks a lot for visiting, Have a great day and God bless you!

  • Selena and Anna
    Posted at 15:25h, 26 May

    Even though you were so mad in the moment, at least you were able to eventually see that maybe what he did wasn’t so horrible and to forgive him. We all have these moments and marriage and as long as we can communicate and grow together things seem to work out and even make you closer as a couple. Thanks for sharing!

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 11:11h, 27 May

      We have to grow together alright, and communication is very important. Thanks for visiting.

  • The Lovely One
    Posted at 14:53h, 26 May

    I constantly have to remind myself to put myself in my husband’s shoes. I get so mad when my husband doesn’t understand me, but it’s very rare that I understand him!

    Happy saturday sharefest!

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 11:07h, 27 May

      Very true, we need to look and see things from our husband’s perspectives too. Thanks for visiting.

    Posted at 14:42h, 26 May

    Another thing to consider is just because your parents did it one way doesn’t mean your husband will do it that way, too. My daughter-in-law and I were just discussing that. She was upset because my son wasn’t acting like her father. Duh. He isn’t her father and he wasn’t raised the same way. He’s his own person, raised completely differently, different personality, and different ways of doing things. She can’t expect him to behave like her father.

    I’ve been married 30 years. When I first got married, I expected my husband to take care of my car – just the way my dad did. But he didn’t. It took me a while to come to terms with that. Once I realized he wasn’t going to, I took the responsibility on myself. He took care of big things – but the little stuff I just took care of. I had to learn that he wasn’t my dad.

    It’s just one piece of the puzzle and one small part of the process of learning to live together.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 11:05h, 27 May

      Truth said Patty, thanks for visiting.
      God bless!

  • Amanda @ Life, Experience Needed
    Posted at 15:57h, 18 May

    We have all been there and as long as we learn and grow from our mistakes then we can be better people and spouses.

    Thanks for the follow, following back

  • Accidentally Wonderful
    Posted at 21:17h, 17 May

    Communication is definitely key to maintaining ANY relationship, but especially marriage. Being able to stop and think before reacting would be the best situation, but it can be hard to do in the heat of the moment. In our pre-marriage classes, my now-husband and I were told the importance of telling one another what we needed instead of expecting the other person to automatically “know.” We try to respect each other’s needs and not get angry when we don’t think our own have been met.

    There is a wonderful lesson in your story that can apply to everyone. Thanks for being brave enough to share it!

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 22:37h, 17 May

      You are right, thinking before reacting is very important, thanks for stopping by and taking time to leave these very insight full words.

  • The Pepperrific Life
    Posted at 12:30h, 17 May

    I’m learning these lessons a little too late now (I’m divorced. lol! ). But I liked reading this post. It shows how important communication is for couples. Men aren’t mind readers, so it does help to voice out our feelings. Compassion also plays a role here, and broad-mindedness, I guess. I’m sure I’ll use these lessons if and when I get married again 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 12:46h, 17 May

      Compassion and broad mindedness, something to dwell on for me.
      Thanks for visiting and..
      It’s never too late!
      I pray you enjoy your marriage when you get married.
      Please invite me!!!

  • Adrianne at Happy Hour Projects
    Posted at 13:41h, 16 May

    What a great share. I think it’s natural for us to do things that are selfish but the hardest thing to do is honestly evaluate and admit we have been wrong. Good for you!

    Thanks for stopping by Happy Hour Projects, following you now!

    Happy Hour Projects

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 13:52h, 16 May

      Hi Adrianne,
      I’m glad you see the whole point.
      Thanks for visiting.

  • Ugochi
    Posted at 16:50h, 16 May

    Amazing how “narrow sighted” we can be sometimes!
    Thanks for visiting.

  • Karla @ {The Classy Woman}
    Posted at 16:43h, 16 May

    Such great points Ugochi! As a married woman, I’ve been there myself before. We see things from our own perspective without taking into account what our spouse has gone through. I found myself in this position recently in regards to the share of work and duties. When I had the space to think about it, specific events came to mind as well as tasks that hubby has done which are a blessing to us both that I don’t typically take part in that I have sometimes taken for granted.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and have a blessed day!


    • Ugochi
      Posted at 11:03h, 27 May

      This comment has been removed by the author.

  • Ugochi
    Posted at 14:53h, 16 May

    Yes we all have,I have been married 11+ years now and still learning to bite my tongue instead of say the wrong things.

    Thanks for stopping by.

  • Angela
    Posted at 14:39h, 16 May

    I am so sure we have all been in this position. I have been married 5 years to the most wonderful a man who does so much for me but I find I pick on such petty things and start an argument for no reason. Worse is when I realize it, I don’t apologize out of fear of the “I told you so.” I need to be able to stand up and admit when I am wrong and try to see where he is coming from more often. I can’t always be right (although let’s keep that to ourdelves for now…lol…just kidding)

    Thanks for following Mommy Time Out

  • OneMommy
    Posted at 20:03h, 15 May

    I have definitely had moments like this – especially earlier in our marriage. We both had different backgrounds and ideas of what was proper (at my house family always ate together, not so much with his). There are still moments I feel this way, but I bite my tongue until I can speak in a more gentle voice.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 23:03h, 15 May

      The beginning of the marriage often poses such misunderstandings. I need to start practicing biting my tongue too.
      Thanks for stopping by

  • Dionne
    Posted at 14:54h, 15 May

    Hi Ugochi! Thank you for joining my blog…I feel so honored. I love your honesty here. I am guilty of jumping to conclusions and then vomiting anger on my hubby without all of the details. Communicating as Ginny said is definitely the key as well as listening. Thank you for sharing a hard, but good truth that needs to be reminded in my heart.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 23:05h, 15 May

      Hi Dionne,
      We all are guilty, but can handle it better with dialogue. I am glad you found truth in it.
      Thanks for visiting.

  • chulala
    Posted at 15:36h, 15 May

    hey great blog just stumbled on ur blog and i like and following you 2 plz do come thru my fashion blog to and follow back if you will like what you will see there too

    thanks and keep the good work

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 22:59h, 15 May

      Hi! Thanks for stopping by, and following.
      God bless!

  • Ginny Marie
    Posted at 12:08h, 15 May

    Sometimes anger gets the best of me, too! Communicating is definitely the key to a good relationship.

    Lemon Drop Pie

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 12:21h, 15 May

      True Ginny Marie,
      Communication it is!

      Thanks for stopping by
      God bless!

  • Michelle
    Posted at 01:59h, 15 May

    This is a great post, sometimes when you’re in the moment it’s hard to put yourself in the position of someone else! x

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 12:17h, 15 May

      Truth Michelle,
      Thank God for grace!
      Thanks for stopping by,

  • Laurel Lee
    Posted at 00:50h, 15 May

    Thank you – I don’t know what else I can say. This could have been out of my own mouth it is so scary how similar this is to the things I do with my new husband. Just today we had a brawl over something similar and equally as trivial. I cannot begin to say how much i needed to hear this. This was truly a “Come to Jesus” meeting for me and for that I am grateful.

    • Ugochi
      Posted at 12:15h, 15 May

      Hi Laurel,
      It happens often in marriages, we just need to try to see from the other person’s side before we jump to conclusions.
      Thanks for stopping by and leaving your thoughts, I’m grateful it made meaning to you.
      God’s grace!