Marriage And Secrets.

Marriage And Secrets.

marriage and secrets.For about four weeks now we have been discussing problematic issues in marriage. We have talked about addiction, in-laws, selfishness and chores and it has been quite interesting. In continuance today, let’s talk about secrets. The issue of couples keeping back information about themselves, what they are doing and what is going on with them from their spouses.

Why do couples keep secrets from each other?
I have always wondered, and I always thought it was not right, but some say there are things your spouse should never know. “Like what?”I ask.
I have never understood it though; maybe there are some things a man should keep from his wife, maybe not. I think the whole issue of secrets boil down to trust and fear.

Secrets Can Be Destructive.

It can be very harmful when it is discovered. What would your spouse think of you if he/she gets to know about a secret you kept from him/her? I have seen secrets destroy homes that were originally happy homes.
For instance, a man does not tell his wife of a child he had prior to their marriage and she gets to discover by herself, trust is broken; the marriage may still remain but this wife will not be sure if this is the only thing she does not know about her husband.

When such secrets are discovered, trust is affected. And trust is very key to the stability of any marriage.

Why then do husbands and wives keep secrets in marriage?

Shame.
There is nothing to be ashamed of when you are in a marital relationship, where true love, I mean love like it should be, exists, you should not hold back information about yourself from your spouse because you are ashamed of how he or she would begin to see you.
It hurts and breaks the heart when a spouse discovers things about his or her spouse that should have been made known.

Fear Of Hurt.
Some say they keep things away from their spouse because they do not want to hurt them: now that could be true. But what if your spouse now discovers whatever it is by him or herself? I think the hurt will be more at this point because heart is broken and trust questioned.

Other Fears.
Some keep secrets for fear of their spouse’s reaction. They are not sure if they would still be loved and accepted.
Some fear that perhaps their spouses would use it as a tool to taunt them or take them for granted, especially if it were to be a weakness of some sort.
I for one would love to be told everything, I would appreciate that honesty even if it is something that I might be offended at, I would prefer to be told and to deal with it, than to find out by myself, or from someone else.

Money Matters.
Finance is another thing that some spouses tend to keep from each other, understandably so because some people are frivolous in their spending. If husbands and wives will learn to discuss about and learn how to handle money then this problem would not be a problem. While I agree that there are some who are very greedy, we should all work on earning trust.

Different things go on in different homes and relationships; I believe wisdom from God is needed to know how to handle the peculiarities of every marriage. We should learn to take everything to God in prayer.
But on a general note, I still opine that secrets can cause serious harm to a marriage and should be avoided. Trust should be built in the hearts of husbands and wives and spouses should work to earn the trust of each other.

In Conclusion.

It then rests on all couples to build up and gain the trust of each other, and to also do away with every assumption and suspicion as they are unhealthy in every way.

Secrets do not nurture trust!

Let husbands and wives keep nothing back from each other! That is God’s original plan for the married. God planned the husbands and wives should be ONE in every way.

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Genesis-2:25

Copyright© Teshuva 2015
(update from 2014)
Image credit: Brainy Quotes

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Ugochi Oritsejolomisan

Ugochi Oritsejolomisan

Ugochi Oritsejolomisan is a Christ-follower, wife to Benson, mother of 3 awesome boys, God's agent, speaker and blogger. Writing to inspire you for a better life in God! Find her on: google
Ugochi Oritsejolomisan

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8 Comments

  1. Hi Ugochi,

    Secrets keeps us sick. You’re right shame and fear mostly drive it. But also pride plays a major part as well.

    People hide behind trying to be perfect and fail to understand it’s okay to be human.

    It takes a lot of inside work to get to the freedom of telling your spouse things you fear that may run them away.

    I know from experience being vulnerable with each other will take your marriage to a new height.

    God is a God of truth and secrets is withholding the truth.

    God bless,
    Vernon

    1. True thoughts! Vulnerability is indeed needed for a great marriage.
      Many thanks for coming by, have a super blessed day!

  2. Nice post Ugochi. Trust matters most in every aspect of life especially in a marriage. God help us all in our marriages.

    1. Amen! Amen!!

  3. I wholeheartedly agree, Ugochi. I’ve seen secrets really tear apart the trust that once existed in the marriage and it’s so very hard to rebuild again. No matter the reasons people have for keeping things secret, it boils down to a lack of trust in God. And you are right about being honest and how that builds trust in the relationship. If we want our marriages to be intimate and accepting, we must do the hard work of being trustworthy and authentic. Great thoughts as always, my friend!

    1. “If we want our marriages to be intimate and accepting, we must do the hard work of being trustworthy and authentic.” It truly does go both ways…
      Many thanks Beth, do have a super blessed day!
      Love

  4. Good post, Ugochi!

    Yes, secrets definitely erode trust when exposed. Even unexposed secrets undermine intimacy…the spouse left out of the secret can feel the emotional wall even though they don’t know the reason for it.

    I don’t think every little detail of every event has to be hashed out, but there should be nothing we would be unwillling to discuss with our spouse.

    Thanks for sharing!

    1. Truth, the willingness to share must be present and the atmosphere to enhance that willingness created.
      Many thanks Joe.
      Do have a super blessed day!

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